Hello, dear reader. If you’re still here, you like me or my writing, or, I hope, a bit of both. Perhaps you stumbled upon this page while looking for something else – stats tell me that people land on my site while looking for the strangest things, such as a Singlish dictionary or bikinis. Or maybe you’re one of the few that landed here by sheer luck from my social media post about this latest piece given I’ve been dormant on most “socials”.
Whichever route you took, I’m chuffed to bits that you’re here. Because this unbelievable year is ending, and it’s been months since I wrote anything here.
This piece has been brewing in my head for days. When it began forming in my head, the dominant emotion that appeared when I wanted to describe the year was fear.
Two days ago, sitting a few meters away from where Rahim Khan (of the “Rahim ke dohe” fame) and his wife are buried, I listed in my notebook all the things that I thought I was afraid of in 2021.
Primarily, the fear of having missed out. On food, on friendships, on travel, on looking (and being) confident, on being connected with others. That everyone was having a tough time, but they seemed to be managing well on these fronts (yes, yes, I know it’s not true but my mind still doesn’t believe it).
Fear about my health and digestion looming large, making me believe life was difficult, even as I tried being grateful for everything that was going my way – and it is a long list. It didn’t help.
Fear and regret that I was being unkind to myself, being unforgiving and harsh, and just not willing to give myself any rest.
Fear about the world, the family, relationships and friendships and the uncertain future.
The piece just wasn’t getting written, even though I thought I knew exactly how it would flow.
But the strangest thing happened as I sat to meditate last evening. After a long day out in gloomy winter weather, my mind settled in with my breath and for a change, I didn’t chastise myself when my mind ran free. It wandered, recollecting events from the day, messages I had to reply to, dinner, and more. And slowly, it zoomed out to think about the whole year.
And my dear reader, the year didn’t look bad at all.
Fear wasn’t the first thing that came up when my mind had had a chance to calm down and wander.
Instead, I thought about the wonderful things I learnt at work. New topics, about working with different kinds of people, about making mistakes and picking myself up.
I thought about, and was grateful for, my well-deliberated decision to move on from a consultancy that had been enriching in many ways, but whose time had run out and that I needed a break from so that I could rest.
I felt grateful for the support from the important people in my life.
I felt sad about the people to whom I couldn’t offer as much support, struggling as I was with things on my own. I hope that they got my telepathic vibes or my energies that always wished them well even if I didn’t speak with them.
I thought about the multiple things I tried, again and again, to keep my physical and mental health going. The attempts at regularising yoga practice (which still hasn’t happened!), the meditation, the attempted journaling, and so on.
I marveled at the hope I held on to despite repeatedly failing. There’s another lesson to be learnt here, about not expecting to control actions and outcomes so much, but all the same, I’m impressed that I’ve been able to hope.
I remembered the wonderful personal writing workshop that I participated in, and the conversations and reflections it enabled. How it allowed me to peek into a different way of writing that I hope I enjoy, learn from – and can use to entertain others!
I thought about grief – mine and others. About losing two grandparents, about the others who lost parents, friends, and close relatives. And how powerful grief is, because it is a wonderfully sad reminder that there is someone whom we love so much.
All this came to me during the meditation. I was surprised and touched that I subconsciously pulled all these things to be happy about from the murkiness of a PMSing, struggling-with-digestion mind (and body).
I don’t think the fear has disappeared, not at all. So much of digestion-related issues are due to fear, according to forms of energy medicine that I trust. But with this piece of writing, I realise that it is not the only thing coursing in my mind and body – there’s also joy, gratitude, hope, connection, and laughter.
I’m sure your year was a bit of all of these and more, perhaps with grief, exhaustion and difficult health too. But I hope you have also found reasons to be hopeful, things to be grateful for, and people, words, and places that infuse you with energy. Thank you, dear reader, and wish you a much happier 2022. Next year, I hope to give you more reasons to be on this website.